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[Tuesday
December 2nd, 2008] |
You know I wish I could be the kind of person that could stick with the blogging....?
There just aren't enough angsty teen emotions driving me to post of LJ anymore, I think. HAH!
So I just caught sight of the calendar and today is one of those dates that seems significant somehow. The sight of the number on the calendar makes an alarm go off in my head, signaling me to take some kind of action. It's somebody's birthday. If you were ever close to me, your birthday will likely be remembered long after you don't ever feel like speaking to me again. I can't remember a birthday and just keep quiet about it. That just seems wrong, doesn't it? So before the bells stop ringing upstairs and I forget, Happy 20th birthday, Jonny boy. I sincerely hope it's a great one. Please accept this huggle. ::Huggle::
I've been going alright. I'm still living in Ben's little apartment in the Hammocks and we love it and each other to death. I'm also still working at that hellish clubhouse in the Crossings as I've always been. I mean, I'd practically been there since I was 3 months into my 16th year of life. Work hasn't been so awesome. Night staff hours were cut ridiculously, so I'm not making much at all. I'm too lucky that I haven't been sent packing bound for my mother's for lack of contribution. So, I started sending my resume around again. Ben's mom- Gods, I love her- she was awesome enough to tell her boss about me and even scored me a little pre-interview. She works for the Florida Department of Health. They were looking to fill some clerical spots in their clinic so mom (because Ben's mom totally adopted me) helped me get my foot in the door. But I won't be hearing about that for a while. It looks like a temporary gig and they're still working out the details with the board, you know?
Ben's been working his bum off as usual, working at least 40 hours a week and bringing in at least a bill a day in tips to keep us alive. We're getting by. The bills are getting paid and there's food on the table. Really, I can't complain much about home life. I just miss TV.
Thanksgiving was perfectly charming. I was pleased to find my family's trouble-members on their best behavior. I was at Marc's this year, as I have been for the past...lots of years. Since they moved into that house in Old Cutler. Ben came along with me this year :] and before that dinner we had lunch with his grandma and great uncle. I can actually say that I've had lunch with the guy that owns the Seaquarium TWICE. As I was saying, Thanksgiving was delicious. I only wish we had taken some pictures. I'm actually surprised we didn't. I mean, I was with Marcus Mills and NO pictures were taken. I managed not to completely stuff myself. I think I really might have kept my calorie count under 2000 that day....who cares..? My weight has been maintained at a healthy 120 pounds since I moved in with Ben. Sometimes I think it's a damn miracle I'm not a blimp what with how Ben and I treat ourselves from time to time. Heh. I'm baffled at how I can eat so much pizza and other rubbish and still fit into my size 2s. I do walk, though. On my days off, I strap on my Nikes and go for a brisk, hour long walk on the trail behind my apartment building. It's 7 miles long and goes all through the Hammocks. Really quite beautiful. Anyway, I wish I had scored some Thanksgiving leftovers from my aunt, but it seemed rude to ask. Thanksgiving leftovers are supposed to be forced upon you by your host because they won't fit in the fridge. We did get a lovely bottle of wine and a bar of chocolate, though! :] The chocolate was eaten that same night, but I finished the wine this evening ;]
Right now, I'm waiting for Ben to get home and contemplating whether or not to take a Dexatrim on a belly full of wine, peanut butter, and pumpkin pie. I hope you find yourselves happy and well.
I'll be around.
♥
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[Sunday
June 8th, 2008] |
I'm back online everybody!
:D
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[Thursday
January 3rd, 2008] |
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Happy New Year :)
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[Thursday
September 20th, 2007] |
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It's simple. I wanted to.
So, school's been absolutely phenomenal so far. I love FIU to bits, and I love meeting all those new people. After 4 of the worst years of my life EVER, it was nice to finally have a clean slate.
I'm going to the gym again, and I think it's been working wonders for my moods. I find myself feeling fat and ugly less often when I work out regularly. Though, I can't seem to get any thinner...
Ben and I are still going strong :) We'll have been official for 9 months on the 24th. We're going off to Atlanta for a few days in a couple of weeks for ProgPower, just the two of us. Ahh! I'm so excited! Our first trip together :D Hee. It's gonna be epic.
That's it.
</ return to LJ >
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| Call me chonga before you call me emo. |
[Monday
July 23rd, 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
I wanna cry until I can't anymore.
I wanna have a crazy fuckin' psycho bitch episode.
Tear down walls. Claw out eyes. Scream, scream, scream.
Nothing happened, but if a girl was once regularly raped violently in the ass by a clown, she'd have an aversion to stage make-up.
You know?
I need another outlet. Can't just eat all the time or pretend everything is okay.
I've never been great at hiding what's really going on. I wish.
I don't wanna hurt anymore.
Somebody please tell me I'm good enough.
Please.
Tell me I'm worth more.
Tell me size doesn't matter.
I'm tired of thinking I'm going to end up alone.
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[Tuesday
June 12th, 2007] |
 | You scored as Romantic Goth, You are a romantic goth, better known as a traditional goth. You are probably quickly identified as a goth by outsiders. Black lace, bats, and moonlit cemetaries are just a few of your favorite things. Click on my name to take my other tests if you liked this one.
Romantic Goth | | 75% | Ethereal Goth | | 67% | Old-school Goth | | 63% | Perky Goff | | 38% | Anything-Goes Goth | | 33% | Fantasy Goth | | 29% | Death Rocker | | 25% | Industrial/Rivet-Head | | 25% | Cyber-goth | | 21% | Understanding Outsider | | 17% | Confused Outsider | | 0% | </td>
What subcategory of Goth best fits you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
Awwww....That was the first quizzie I've taken in a while...♥
Good times.
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[Saturday
June 2nd, 2007] |
It's been a long time since I've given this shit the time of day, huh?
I wanna fuckin' congratulate not just my own graduating class or just the graduating classes of my friends hailing from high schools in my immediate area, but every damn graduating class in the country. Go c/o '07, baby! WOOO!
Lol
Bueno, graduation day was bitchin'. After the ceremony, he fam and I did a dinner cruise and Ben's parents finally met mine. Hah. Great. It was really nice. I was really happy to feel like I showed Ben's folks that he didn't bring home a fuckin' mute-ass, one-sided, hyphonated-adjective, little girl. Ate, drank, smoked, drank....>.> and did other things I can now check off my list of things to do before I die. Heh.
After all that, it was late as hell...uh...past 3am, for sure, and I went home with Ben and his, but not before IHOP. Yay, IHOP. Eventually, Ben's sister came home w/ some friends, we talked for a bit and, basically, I didn't go home that night.
No lie, Ben dropped me off at home, and from there, I walked over to Sunset to pick up my diploma. Hah!
I'll see if i can get some pix up soon.
G2g. Definitly.
♥
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[Sunday
May 20th, 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
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::SOBS:: |
] |
I'm sorry I'm broken...
I love you so much, it hurts.
X'(
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[Wednesday
May 16th, 2007] |
2 weeks 'til graduation.
Wtf?
Omg.
...bbq? o.o
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[Thursday
May 3rd, 2007] |
Comin' on to announce that I'm going on a brief hiatus. The reason?
JACON 2007!!!!!! WHAAAAT?!
^.^
Jeebus. Imagine the pic post to come.
♥
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[Saturday
April 21st, 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
You know, it's funny that this is my journal, the medium on which I am supposed to be free to write about absolutely anything I feel, anything I think...
...but I still have to censor myself.
You know what I'd write if shit weren't like that?
I make myself sick. I'm a retarded joke of a creation. I'm a monster with all my ill-matching parts- fat arms, little bony wrists and hands, huge thighs over my otherwise chickenesque legs (I want a quarter for every time someone says "chickenesque"), big nasty gut, no ass...
I'd write that most of the time I feel like my gorgeous head doesn't go with my big, flabby, nasty-ass body. That I feel like I'm always in a plaid-'n-stripes getup I can't change out of.
I'd cry about how I'm never gonna be "the one" because I'm such a fucking mess.
I'd probably wanna talk about the shit I wanna put in my system to change my body and how I don't care what else it does to me.
I'd talk about my junkie-ism. My extensive research on, and intense curiosity of, thermogenics, hell, every stimulant known to man.
I'd talk about Ben. I love Ben. I wanna give him better.
I'd go on about the mad house I'm forced to live in that breeds all kinds of mental evil. No escape.
I'd talk about hating my sister for not just fucking saying she loves me and for insisting on always being mommy's little tool.
Oh and I know that I'd definitely rant about homos that insist on making the closet their residence like hermits would forested mountains, refusing to come the fuck out because they are so fucking terrified that they'd be disowned by mummy and daddy. Yeah I'd probably write volumes on how the intensity of the fear of letting the world hear it come from the horse's mouth (because everyone already knows they're gay) submerges the fearful into such denial about they're own sexuality that they go on believing they're straight and fuck up relationship after straight relationship wondering "what the fuck is wrong with me?"
AHHH!!!!
>.<'
...
Phew.
Erm...I should--fuck it. I'll let you all read that.
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[Friday
April 6th, 2007] |
I was just having such a good time pretending we were perfect..
Once I got into the car, I fuckin' lost it. Uncontrollable sobbing. Doing 70 while screaming until my throat was raw.
I hate being defective.
I hate crying about it.
I hate being afraid it's going to take you from me too.
I hate how much I fucking miss you right now even after all that shit you said to remind me of what a fucking mute, worthless, pathetic piece of shit I am to myself.
I hate all this crying...but at least now I can finally get some sleep...
I love you, too.
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[Thursday
April 5th, 2007] |
HAPPY 1ST B-DAY, JAYDEN ♥!!!
^.^ He's sofa king cute. I shall buy him something at work today.
Alright. I've been up since 10am yesterday morning and still going strong. Yesterday was chillin'. By 11:30, I was @ Ben's pretty much wakin' & bakin', fell asleep until something like 4:15pm, packed another bowl and enjoyed another ride with Imogen Heap and Winamp visualizations (SO trippy 0.0'), called Stephy up to see if she was still down for later that night (she was :D), 6:somethingPM Stephy was parked in front of Ben's house waiting. I was really happy to see her. I think the last time we'd hung out was during last year's mundial. Ha Germany v. Argentina...
So we did dinner @ On The Border, but not before hot boxing Stephy's car. Sat in Robby's section and watched painfully as Ben hated his best friend. We got free ice cream cake w/Bailey's all over it. Omgyay.
After dinner, Ben bought Borat on DVD, I said g'bye to Stephy and we promised we'd chill again soon. From like 10pm-12am I was lying in bed w/Benolius ::hears him saying "Nooooo!" in his stupid voice:: watching Borat XD which is and always will be great. After the movie, we had a smoke (& some NoDoz) and then I finally headed home. Ugh. Home.
Mom was pissed and took away the car keys. Her car keys. I've been driving her car around while my car's in the shop. Fender bender a couple weeks ago. Anyway, so that was that. This morning, though, after my shower, I found them on their little key hook by the front door. So, yoink! Ha. Guess she couldn't have been that mad. Uh, yea. I've been up playing The Sims 2 ever since.
Twas a very green Wednsday.
Oh and I just got off the phone w/Greg-o! MMMhm. We caught up a bit. It was good hearing from him ^.^ He'll be back down for summer so that's cool.
Phew...a real update.
Enjoy it. Dunno when you'll be getting another.
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| Case Study |
[Tuesday
April 3rd, 2007] |
Amy is an 18 year old female working through her senior year of high school. She had always been physically healthy, and never had trouble keeping a job. She has a family history of alcoholism and abuse, and a possible family history of depression and anxiety disorders. Amy was raised by an anxious, over protective mother, and an emotionally absent father, both immigrants to whom English is a second language, alongside a sister one year her junior. Amy reports having resented her mother for her persistent attempts to keep her daughters from participating in social activities with peers and for her reactions when those attempts fail. Amy and her sister often did things in secret to avoid the stress their mother caused them. She also reported extreme feelings of frustration, confinement and guilt, all of which she attributed to her mother. She largely ignored her father. Amy has very few close relationships and says she has trouble identifying with her peers. Intimidated by other females, Amy got along best with older males. Her romantic relationships are usually long-term, lasting over 12 months, on average. Ironically, she believes she is physically undesireable, that she has no personality, and that she is good for little more than souring relationships. She exibits an obvious prefference to withdraw in the face of something potentially stressful, esp. being misunderstood or refused to be heard, if it can not be avoided completely, and will also refuse to eat. She has been hospitalized once as a result of an apparent eating disorder (NOS). Amy wants to go to college away from home and major in Psychology.
Currently, Amy reports feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, and percieves herself as hideous and "ogre-like". She denies any resemblance she might have to other females her age, and describes herself as hugely obese and "deformed". This perception is paired with anxiety in specific social situations, specifically, those involving other females, and symptoms of depression. Amy continues to display disordered eating behaviors and a preoccupation with controlling her weight.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I hope to finish this one day.
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[Sunday
March 25th, 2007] |
I've been sick as hell in every sense.
It never stopped me.
Tomorrow I enter another unknown alone in polyester armor.
The hate the separation...
..but the worst part is not being able to make music.
Tomorrow has no meaning without the music.
When that's all a massive obstruction has to keep herself tolerated on this Earth, if only for a moment...
Its absence defines her as an unsightly growth on the face of the planet.
Malignant.
Ever growing.
Requiring only to disappear.
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[Saturday
March 17th, 2007] |
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[Friday
March 16th, 2007] |
I got the job! Yay! and someone actually bought that shirt I put on eBay! YAy! and I feel sick from binging!
BOO!
Argh.
♥
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| Happy B-Day To Me :D |
[Saturday
March 10th, 2007] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cheerful |
] |
Fuck Me, I'm Legal.
To-do's:
-buy a pack of cigarettes
-play the lotto
-get pierced
-get a job
-make brownies >.>
-finalize all Sunday plans
...
Not necessarily in that order.
Yesterday was nice :) Marc got me a sushi lunch which I shared w/him and my sibling. After school, Drew, Juan, Marco, Jeaners, and Ben♥ did pizza in BFE. Lol.. Juan finally got to meet my man like he wanted to and that went very, very well. Oh and we kept cracking on Marc because we realized that he never fights back and just makes this :[ face, and, like, we wanted to see him reveal his cojones and retort with something at least once. Didn't happen. I was a little disappointed.
:'( <-emo tear.
Last night was fucking AMAZING, though ♥
I was at Ben's 'til midnight when I officially turned 18 ^.^ and I got lots of love! Teehee♥
Ay. He knows he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Damn him.
He's getting me the piercings. I'm sofa king excited! YaY holes! I'll be posting pics of w/e I finally get done hopefully tonight :)
Tonight was sleepless. I'm about to go make my ass some coffee.
Have a bitchin' ass day, loved ones ;)
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kitsu_sempai's journal
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